Balancing Family with Personal Goals?!

In the very same way that my own journey of 100 Things has evolved in a way I could not have predicted, so too have my talks (or presentations) that I’m now continually invited to give around the world.

I remember when invited by a tiny and remote school in Canada to give what was my first talk three years ago, my only intention was to make people laugh. Questions I received after each talk typically revolved around sharing my favourite/scariest/most challenging experience. Fast forward to now and the presentation has far outgrown the simple notion of making people laugh and now highlights and explores ideologies and theories that trigger incredibly deep and important questions for those I speak to (including me!). It’s quite surprising, I must admit.

In fairness I suppose this is accidental, but as I sit here on a plane flying back to Sydney after my most recent talk to group of university alumni in South Australia, I thought I’d share some of the questions that were thrown my way in the Q&A section that concluded the session.

I should say that my talk sparks different questions for different people and it’s these questions that help me learn more about what it is that I do. I don’t ever claim to know more than anyone else and so in answering I can only give what is my own opinion (so please no aggressive emails if you disagree with either the question or the answer! haha).

Interestingly, a lot of the question asked were by parents debating the balance between personal goals and family. This is something I hear a lot of and so in trying to address the topic, below is an overview of what was spoken about. The first question started a open forum:

 

QUESTION- “Well I have 4 kids and although I’d love to go out and complete all my personal goals, I feel I’m limited in what can do. How do I change this?” (Question asked by a middle aged mother)

 

Well I think there’s two things to consider here. Firstly the notion of perspective. Many people assume that the term ‘bucket-list’ (a term I dislike intensely!) refers exclusively to goals of an outrageous or far fetched nature. My take however is that a list of goals is completely relative to the individual and where one person may want to skydive naked or race a Formula 1 car, another person may want to raise a child or buy a house. My point is that the lady who asked the question perhaps didn’t give herself enough credit that the act of raising 4 children in itself was not only incredible but I assume somewhat of an accomplishment that she would have chosen to pursue in the first place (i.e an item from her list).

Essentially we are responsible for what we choose to do in life and if at any stage we find ourselves in a position where we feel limited, we have to ask ourselves why we ended up in that situation to begin with, before then fixing the situation. Thankfully the lady then acknowledged that her commendable achievement was in fact a decision that she was happy to have pursued.

The second thing to consider here is the balance between timing and goal setting. After acknowledging that the process of mothering 4 kids and bringing up a family was indeed a goal on her unwritten list, the lady then repeated that she now finds herself in a position where she can’t achieve other goals because of her commitment as a mother. I think as a concept, it’s fair to say that no-one can do everything at one time. My own journey as a prime example has taken over 4 years to date and I certainly haven’t completed everything. It seems though that we live though in a society expectant of instant gratification. We like to have (or do) everything at once.

My thoughts are that one thing we can’t control in life is timing, yet timing plays a huge part is us achieving things throughout out life. From my own journey I know that the first (and most important) step in achieving any goal is identifying what it is that I want to achieve. Once identified and then committed to, the role of timing is fundamental to the process of achievement. When this timing aligns (whether it be instantly or years down the track), I think that our brain recognises this as an opportunity, alerting us that the time to act on our desire is NOW. In this way, goal setting must take place before the power of timing can have any influence.

With this concept in mind, I then asked the lady what specifically it was that she wanted to do and her answer was this;

“I haven’t thought about it actually”

On this occasion it seemed as though the lady has put the horse before the carriage (to a few giggles in the crowd too) but in a similar situation concerning another parent voicing the same question (only this time he knew that his additional goal to raising his family was to achieve his Phd overseas), it was clear that the man was frustrated that a young family was hampering his academic aspiration. I’m of course in no position to know the correct answer for everyone specifically but i’m positive that there is always a way to balance our goals. In this gentleman’s situation I asked

a) whether he could take his family overseas so he could study and have his family present (he replied that he couldn’t),

b) whether he could study in Australia (he couldn’t) or

c) whether he could wait until a later stage (perhaps when his kids become independent) where he was able to achieve his goals (this he replied was a good consideration).

Timing, he agreed, was the key to balancing his goals.

 

Not having children myself, I can only guess what must be like balancing a family with other goals. Having said this, raising kids must be one of the most selfless acts we can commit to and one question raised was whether as a parent it was selfish to have other goals outside of your family?

My straight answer is NO- we must always be growing on an individual level and whether we’re able to do this within or externally to our family, the moment we forget about our own personal desires is the moment we become unhelpful to both ourselves and others. Personal development and more so goals are constantly changing as we grow and whereas beginning a family is a goal at one stage, many other goals will pop up after- this needs to be acknowledged, not suppressed.  A solid foundation is essential to building a house; without a foundation anything built is unbalanced. The same for goes for us as people. We must have a solid foundation as an individual to be able to build anything upon it, such as a family, and in this way we must stay well balanced by having goals of a personal nature.

This concept was in fact answered brilliantly by a single mother who wrote to me a few months ago. She explained that as a single parent with a list of personal goals, one of her friends questioned whether she should be spending time trying to achieve other goals outside of bringing up her daughter. As it happened, her goals ranged from developing professionally in her field to wanting to travel more. Her answer t her friend was this;

“I want to instil in my daughter the notion that we live in a world where we have opportunity to not only dream, but to achieve our dreams. If my daughter sees that her Mum is go-getter who is able to responsibly balance the joys of parenting with the excitement of personal growth, she will grow into a person with an open mind, self belief and the best opportunity to be successful as she sees it. A happy Mother is the best type of mother and if I’m able to achieve happiness through my own ambition, this happiness will trickle down and become a huge part of who my daughter becomes.”

Wonderfully put!

To back up this notion, two days ago I saw a car sticker that made me smile. It read;

“Be the change you want your kids to be”.

 

Ultimately there is no difference between being a parent or being a single individual- we all have dreams and ambitions; it’s natural. The key is identifying what these goals are and then committing to them in a balanced way that allows you to continue your life in whatever role it is that we find ourselves in.

We’re all different but this is no excuse to not attempting to achieve happiness. That is why I believe each of us is here- to become happy and help others do the same.

I could be wrong of course, but I think I’m close!

100 Things… What’s on your list?

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